Category: Happiness

What She Did Right

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Complaining, Happiness

I was talking with someone going through a difficult time at work recently, let’s call her Jane. Jane explained how unhappy she was at work and talked about the long hours she was putting in. She also shared that she was taking this as an opportunity to learn about herself. She said she found strengths she previously didn’t know she had and is learning how important boundaries are. She shared this information as the ground work for figuring out what she can do so she doesn’t feel completely drained at the end of the day.

Jane did a lot right with this situation. Here are four things that I observed:

She didn’t blame anyone.

Jane could have very easily blamed her long hours and unhappiness on her co-workers or boss or even herself, but she didn’t. She knew that her situation wasn’t specifically one person’s fault. It was the result of a lot of different things.

When things aren’t going well at work it can be easy to place the blame on a boss or co-worker. I know a common thought I had when things weren’t going well at work was along the lines of “well if so-and-so had just done x then I wouldn’t be having problem y.” I would forget that so-and-so had their own set of responsibilities and work to deal with and my top priorities were not necessarily their top priorities. And, generally, so-and-so doing x wasn’t really a reasonable request (because of their job or personality).

Sometimes the person hardest on you is you. While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, beating yourself up about a situation isn’t helpful. And usually there isn’t one specific action that’s responsible for being frustrated or unhappy with work.

She didn’t complain about her situation, she shared where she was, then moved on to what she wanted from the conversation.

The energy of complaining is different than that of sharing. Jane shared enough of the situation help me understand what was going on and then moved on to what she wanted from the conversation. She didn’t dwell on what wasn’t working or her unhappiness. She was focused on moving past those things.

Sometimes when things aren’t going well all you want to do is complain about what’s going on, because you think that will make you feel better. Complaining won’t make you feel better, you’re going to have the same problems you had before and you just might make yourself more frustrated with the situation by complaining. If you’re looking for help on the issue and need to share your complaint to give the full picture, great! Just don’t spend all your time there – focus on moving forward.

She selectively shared her situation with others.

Jane had a couple of ideas about what she could do about her situation and also valued others thoughts, but was selective about who she shared it with. She didn’t share with people who would want to focus on how frustrating it was. Instead she shared with people she knew she could trust, would understand her situation, ask important questions and explore her options with her.

When you find yourself in a frustrating situation talk to your friends, mentor or coach who won’t focus on what’s going wrong, but on how to make more go right. It was clear at the end of our conversation that Jane was feeling a lot better about her situation. While if she had found people to complain with, she would have left more frustrated than when she started.

She looked for and found lessons in her situation

Jane recognized that even though she wasn’t thrilled with her situation she could learn from it. Sometimes when we’re going through a difficult time, we forget to look for the lessons we can learn from it. Jane saw the silver lining in her difficulties: she’s learning to set boundaries and saying no more often, both things she’s had problems with in the past.

What do you do when you are frustrated or unhappy with a recurring situation (like work)?

Photo credit: Implicit Smile by janoma.cl via flickr

What Would Make You Happy?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy, Happiness

Happy PuppyWhat would give you the most happiness right now?

Is it something that you can do right now? Well, why aren’t you doing it?

Is it something you can do later today? Yes? Then make plans to do it! Wait, you’re saying your day is filled – you simply don’t have time today, or even tomorrow to do it. Really? Are you sure? Are you putting yourself last on the priority list?

Or is it something that you won’t be able to do for quite a while – something you need to save for or wait for?

I ask because too often we answer questions like “what would give you the most happiness right now?” with things we can’t accomplish in a day or even over the course of a week. Or we answer with things we can’t control at all. Sometimes we answer with “I’d be happy right now if:”

  1. I weighed 20 pounds less
  2. I wasn’t in debt
  3. my boss was more understanding
  4. gas was less expensive
  5. it was less humid and 80 degrees out
  6. I was on vacation somewhere

Let’s take a look at these responses.

I’d be happy if I weighed 20 pounds less or I wasn’t in debt.

Items one and two are goals you have some control over, but you can’t achieve those goals in one day or a week. If your goal is like one of these two you can approach it a couple of ways:

  1. What small step can I do this week that will take me closer to that goal? For example, you could find out which gyms are close to you and what their hours and fees are, or create a budget with a debt plan.
  2. Who do I get to be when I reach that goal? How do I feel? What small thing can I do this week to be closer to that? What other things can I do to feel that way? Maybe at the lower weight you aren’t ashamed of your body – how does that show up in your day? Do you avoid certain activities? Maybe you can create a mantra and attend one of those activities this week.

I’d be happy if my boss was more understanding, or gas was less expensive, or it was less humid and 80 degrees out.

Items three, four and five are goals that you have no control over. You can’t control your boss, gas prices or the weather no matter how hard you try or how much you wish you could. In these situations:

  1. How can I behave differently in those situations so I am happier? Maybe you can take a deep breath and decide not to get upset with your boss, find a way to drive less so you don’t have to get gas as often, or find activities that you can enjoy in the current weather.
  2. What can I be grateful for in this situation? Perhaps you’re grateful that your boss is a wonderful problem solver, that there is gas available (or maybe you get good gas mileage), or that the sun is out.

I’d be happy if I was on vacation somewhere.

If you said something like item five then you’re probably not taking enough, if any, time for yourself in a normal week. We all need to recharge our batteries and take time for ourselves. It’s not selfish and our families will survive without us (yes, you might need a babysitter) – oh, and our coworkers or clients will be OK too. Take some time this week to do something that recharges your batteries. Maybe that’s a walk by yourself, lunch with a friend, a movie (alone or with a friend) or whatever it is that gives you some time to relax and take care of yourself.

So, what would give you the most happiness right now?

Photo credit: Happy Puppy! by B Rosen via flickr

Is Your Path to Happiness Blocked?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy, Happiness
Path Blocked

A show I LOVED to watch in the 90’s was Daria. I re-watched it recently and was thinking about this exchange in the episode called “The Teachings of Don Jake.” (If you haven’t heard of Daria, or don’t remember this episode, that’s OK, it will make sense.)

Daria and her father Jake are hiking down a trail and it splits into two paths. One path is blocked with a sign reading “DANGER! TRAIL WASHED OUT.”

Jake – Look at that, Daria: a fork in the trail. If you go one way, you can’t go the other.

Daria – This is going to depress me, isn’t it?

Jake – This way over here leads to an entry-level job. A little bit of money in your pocket. Soon, you’re wearing a suit and tie every day like all the other faceless saps, living in a boring little house in a bland little town, and doing so well you’re in debt up to your disappearing hair! That’s where that trail leads, Daria.

Daria – I guess that other trail is the one that leads to personal and spiritual satisfaction. That’s why they don’t want you to take it.

Jake – Dammit, Daria! You’re brilliant!

(Jake climbs over sign and walks down closed trail)

Do you ever feel like Jake? Do you feel the path to being happy at work or at home was (or is) blocked off to you? And while you’re going down the main path with everyone else, do you wonder how you got there?

I remember looking around my cubicle after one particularly hard day at work and wondering how the heck I did I end up here? I was supposed to be in a job that made me happy, not one that paid the bills but left me with no energy at the end of the day and dreading every phone call.

Sometimes when we’re in the thick of it, we can’t see the way out. We just see the next obstacle, the next bump or bolder in our path. This is especially when we need to stop and take a step back.

Here are four things you can do when you find yourself completely frustrated at work and need a bit of a boost:

  • Breath – sit up straight, close your eyes and breathe deeply for 3-4 breaths.
  • Change the Scenery – Get up and walk around for five minutes or at least get a glass of water.
  • Remember – Why did you take this job? What did you like about it?
  • Review – What do you like about your job now? How can you do more of what you like and less of what you don’t? You might want to talk with your boss or supervisor about shifting some of your work (you’ll be more productive working on the things you like).

What do you do when you find yourself in the thick of it and stuck?

Photo credit: Mudslide blocks Burke-Gilman Trail by ebis50 via flickr
Happy Girl

I’m Only As Happy As I Decide To Be?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy, Happiness

Happy Girl

“People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot the last two days. And I wonder: Do you agree with it?

I go back and forth with it. I agree because we always have choices about how we feel and act in any situation. So, if you’ve made up your mind to be happy (or unhappy for that matter) you’re much more likely to have that result.

However, I disagree because I have these voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough and that no one really wants to hear what I have to say. These voices pop up regardless of me deciding to be happy. And they can be really hard to shut up!

Like I said, we get to choose how we feel and act in each situation we are in. For me, part of that choice is recognizing when those voices pop up and deciding if I’m going to listen to them or not. And I run into problems when I don’t recognize the voices for what they are and listen to them.

Those voices have appeared a lot for me this week. And I retreated into myself quite a bit, because that’s more comfortable than putting myself out there. Today I recognized it for what it was and noticed one big change from how I would have reacted last year or even a few months ago. I started to beat myself up over it and then realized beating myself up over it only makes me feel worse and doesn’t move me forward. So, I recognized what was happening, forgave myself, and then moved on with my day.

I’m committed to being happy, but it doesn’t always come easy. And that’s my problem with the quote. It makes it seem so cut and dry, but we do have to start somewhere and a decision to be happier is a good place to start.

Tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree with the Abraham Lincoln quote?

Photo credit: happy jumping girl by River Beach via flickr

Long-Term vs Short-Term Happiness

by EvieBurke, posted in Happiness

Have you ever found yourself avoiding certain topics with people because you didn’t want to cause a problem?  I do this.  I like to avoid confrontation and as a result I avoid certain conversations. So, I sometimes avoid talking about what I need to be happy in a relationship because it might lead to an unpleasant discussion.

I realized I was avoiding a couple of topics with my husband the other night.  I also realized that for my long-term happiness I really needed to discuss those things with him, even though I might not be happy with the results in the short-term.  Thinking about having that discussion scared me to death, but I did it anyway.  Thankfully I found that we really are on the same page on those topics.  It also opened the door for him to talk about some topics he had been avoiding.  We have a better understanding of each other now.

I must have felt like I was on a roll, because later that week I called an old friend out of the blue.  She gave my husband and I a gift a few years ago that had some strings attached.  It sits in a cupboard forgotten most of the time, but when I do think about it, oh man, the knots in the stomach!  I decided to call her and tell her that we couldn’t keep it any longer.  It turned out I had completely misunderstood her intention!  I literally felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I’ve found that the longer I wait to have these discussions the more worked up I get, and even if the discussions don’t go as well as those above, they always go better than I expect. We don’t always give ourselves enough credit.

Where are you sacrificing your long-term happiness for your short-term happiness?  We are a long stronger than we think we are.  It’s important that we have those difficult discussions, especially with those we love the most.